In February 2014, I found myself quite unexpectedly pregnant with our third child. Within moments of a positive pregnancy test, my emotions went from shock to nervousness to all-out joy.
It was 6 weeks after my stepson’s wedding, and 6 weeks before my husband’s 50th birthday. Having another baby didn’t make a whole lot of sense… my stepdaughter was away at college while our two little girls were in 1st and 2nd grade, and life was getting reasonable and manageable.
But a baby…what a welcome surprise. What a gift! A chance to parent one more little one now that we were, in fact, calmer, wiser, more settled people.
Two weeks later, at our first OB appointment, I heard some of the most devastating words of my life (the others having been back in 2010, when I was told I essentially had a “zero percent” chance of getting pregnant!).
There is no heartbeat.
In confusion and despair, I refused to act on the news. It was a Thursday, and I wanted the weekend to think. It turned out to be a long, manic, rather horrible few days, but in the midst of it, something else was, in fact born.
That Sunday, I was helping my daughters prepare a gift for a friend’s birthday party. Our youngest daughter was signing the card. She told me,
“I’m going to write ‘Love-dot-dot-dot-Kaitlyn, so she’ll know it isn’t over…”
In that moment, I knew that no matter how this pregnancy would end (and somewhere deep inside, I knew my baby was gone), the story would not end there.
That next week, I started a Facebook page called “Three Dots,” for the simple purpose of having a place to express my jumbled, numerous thoughts about miscarriage and perhaps be able to encourage others going through the same things.
Over the next year, as I went through my “rainbow” pregnancy and birth of our son, I met so many amazing women with stories of their own. One of them directed me to Stillbirthday.com and the idea of a bereavement doula. I was already training as a Chaplain on the staff of my church. It all fit together.
And here we are. It is never over… ♥