”Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.” – God to Abraham, Genesis 18:13
I once laughed at God, too. When you’re sitting in front of a reproductive specialist after a month of invasive tests and an exploratory surgery, when you’re in your 20s and have tried unsuccessfully for 2 years to get pregnant, and you’re told It ain’t happening, and your strong, faithful husband still believes you’re going to get pregnant without medical intervention because God wants you to have a baby…
Well, you cry a lot. But you also laugh.
And when, 16 months later, after no medical intervention, you find yourself pregnant, you laugh a lot harder. And you should never doubt again.
(I had so much fun being pregnant…)
I’m not laughing “this time.” I’m not looking for a miracle, necessarily. I’m just looking for some answers. But it’s not time yet. I’ve had to accept that.
And in that, I’ve had to also accept that this time of waiting and uncertainty is not a punishment. It is a gift. It gives us time. We’ve had time to dream and plan and research. We’ve had time to take a break. We’ve had time to fellowship deeply with each other and the ones who hold up our arms. I’ve, obviously, had much more time to write than I’ve had in years. We’ve had time to spend with God, reading, studying, praising, listening.
Just this morning, I read this quote:
God won’t always make the “way” you expect … but He will always make a way!
I admit, a month ago, everything felt kind of bleak to me. While I accepted the notions of ‘God’s ways’ and ‘appointed time,’ all I could really focus on were the deficits in my life, the unexpected challenges that were so much different than the expected challenges I had actually prepared for!
But this past week, for no dramatic reason, I feel the tide changing. I sense the waves rising again and pushing us forward.
When I was hopelessly trying to conceive a baby, there was a breakthrough moment when the latest in a string of friends (looking at you, Mama of my Godson) told me she was pregnant. Though I’d been happy for all my friends/cousins/random acquaintances as they had babies, in that moment, I was free from my own shortcomings and hurts. The happiness and relief I felt for someone else outweighed my own crap. Turns out, my Randa was born 4 months to the day after my godson… Appointed time?
(me, Miranda, and her godbrother Zach).
Perhaps in finding acceptance and even joy in this time…this standstill, give up control, there’s-nothing-we-can-do-about it time…I’ve had one of those moments again. It feels like maybe God is finally nodding at me and grinning rather than shaking His head and rolling His eyes. So I’m gonna go ahead and let these waves roll on…and I’m gonna laugh with Him, while I wait for the appointed time of life.